Andrew gets confirmed this weekend. One requirement that the pastor asked the kids to do was to write a letter to someone (living or dead) who played a role on their faith journey. Andrew chose to write one to me and his best friend Aaron.
The letter to me was simple and easy for him to write (and very sweet, by the way). His letter to Aaron was hard for him to compose. He had it all in his head, but it was tied with some heavy emotions. It turns out, last summer when he and Aaron went to camp together they had many heart-to-hearts (as many as guys can have) and some about religion and spirituality. It wasn't heavy stuff, just that God has a plan for everything and everyone. Andrew told me that there was a young man there who had a physical handicap and Andrew was feeling sorry for this young man, but Aaron pointed out that the young man is perfect just as he is, because that is how God made him.
This struck an internal chord with Andrew, one I don't think (due to our conversation last week) he articulated with his friend. You see, Andrew is aware of his autism. He knows that he's "different" and he, as many young kids, is struggling with self image. That wonderful age when you wonder why you are the way you are...you know what I mean. I digress, after this conversation at camp Andrew still wasn't convinced that he, himself, isn't a "mistake". That he being autistic was a mistake and that he is "lesser than"....
Now I could go into some rant about social norms and how silly they are, but to see your child, one who struggles with expressing himself in general, completely break-down and tell me that he feels like a mistake is HEART WRENCHING. He felt that the had no purpose, that being autistic is meaningless, void of worth. How incredibly sad. I stopped him while he was talking, grabbed him by the hand and found Mies, and my parents who were visiting at the time, and had Andrew explain to all of them (people who love him and whom he loves) that he felt his being the way he was a mistake. Needless to say, we all (with tears and hugs and words of true kindness) reassured Andrew that nothing about him is a mistake, that he is perfect, just as he is and that he is loved more than he can imagine.
Now that is almost six months later (five, to be honest) I should revisit this topic with him. I do tell him that I love him (daily and then some) and I tell him how proud I am of him (again, daily and then some), but I think to just remind him that he has a purpose and that he'll find his own way in this crazy world is a good conversation to have (daily and then some).
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